the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
