Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
