operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i dont even know how to be here
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
In other news, I just burned my penis
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
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