I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
