First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.