I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
you will always have a special place in my vag
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?