I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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