is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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