I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
