im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
