My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
