good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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