He asked me if I "almost moaned"
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
