Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
