eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
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im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
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I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.