Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
23 Struggles Kids These Days Will Never Know
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.