I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
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My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
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Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.