my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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