She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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