Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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