the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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