I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
