My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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