I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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