How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
