In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
