I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Randomize
