Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
