I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you have to choose: penises or morals?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
