So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
