you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
