i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
