And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Randomize
