It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
