i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
