I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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