someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
