I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
