I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
