I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
