My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
