There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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