I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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