You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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