if only i could text you this smell
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
two words...techno handjob
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
