I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
