It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
