i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
