Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
