By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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