Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
