Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
