There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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