He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
