She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Randomize
