the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
