If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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