I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
