Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
