you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
