I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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